It’s common to hear people describe their ex as a narcissist. Everyone has some narcissistic traits that include being self-absorbed, self-interested and insecure. When these traits become more pathological, however, a person begins to exhibit toxic narcissism or even Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Diagnosing Narcissistic Personality Disorder is difficult because people with NPD are less likely to seek a diagnosis than others because they do not believe there is anything wrong with them. Other people in their lives are always to blame for any issues in their lives. It’s estimated that up to five percent of the population may have NPD, but it may be much more prevalent than these figures, due to the difficulty of diagnosis.
https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9742-narcissistic-personality-disorder If your ex appears to be grandiose or lacks empathy, it’s possible they have NPD, or toxic narcissistic traits that border on NPD.
Divorcing a Narcissist: Know Your Adversary
According to the 5th edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5), someone may have NPD if they have at least five of the following traits:
They have a grandiose view of themselves
They are preoccupied with things such as success, beauty, or power
They believe they’re unique and special and can only be understood by or associate with very high-status individuals or institutions
They have an intense need for admiration
They may have a sense of entitlement
They exhibit behavior that’s interpersonally exploitative
They show almost no empathy for others
They feel envious of people they encounter, or believe others are envious of them
They seem arrogant
If you are getting a divorce from someone who exhibits narcissistic personality traits, it’s important to understand this personality profile so you can anticipate any negative behaviors that could derail your divorce. Even if your ex doesn’t meet all the criteria for narcissistic personality disorder, it’s better to be prepared for the worst-case scenario. NPD often co-occurs with other diagnoses such as Antisocial Personality Disorder, (sociopathy or psychopathy), BPD, Bipolar Disorder and Paranoid Personality Disorder. Divorce is a stressful event that is likely to trigger a reaction in someone who suffers from mental health issues or a personality disorder.
What Triggers a Narcissist?
Since Narcissists believe themselves to be worthy of admiration, power and love, a divorce can trigger a phenomenon known as “narcissistic injury” and even “narcissistic rage” A divorce can make a narcissist feel abandoned, rejected, slighted and out of control. A narcissist can react by engaging in a smear campaign against someone’s character, manipulation, gaslighting, devaluing the person who caused them injury and even physical violence. If your ex is a narcissist, the court system could be used to exact revenge.
“High conflict” divorces that involve litigation are often instigated by people with narcissistic traits. Highly contentious divorces are now more often recognized as “post-separation abuse.” Many narcissists are abusers and the litigation may represent a continuation of abuse inflicted within the marriage.
When abusers and people with narcissistic personality traits embark on litigation they often do so with superior resources and the ability to pursue the divorce through the courts. It’s important to work with an attorney who understands the difference between a divorce in which people are in conflict with each other, and a divorce where one spouse exhibits a toxic pattern of narcissistic and abusive behavior. Some narcissists may suffer from “Covert Narcissism,” in which their traits are less obvious or bombastic. To distract from their behaviors, abusers often use a strategy called DARVO, which stands for Deny, Attack and Reverse Victim and Offender, which is wielded very effectively as an offensive strategy in the courtroom. Because people with narcissistic traits are often very charming and poised, they may have the ability to convince a judge of their point of view. Research has shown that people are initially more drawn to people with narcissistic traits.
Surviving a Divorce with a Narcissist
A skilled divorce attorney will be well versed in the tactics of people with narcissistic personality disorder or narcissistic traits. These are often high net worth individuals with superior resources and respect from the community. They might use their standing within the community to defame their spouse and badmouth them to relatives during a divorce. Preparation and planning are key to emerging from these divorces with your wellbeing and finances intact.
When you are divorcing a narcissist, one of the best things to do is to keep communication unemotional and limited to facts. No matter how tempting it is to defend yourself, remember that you are being goaded in a way that may benefit the narcissistic person. In some cases narcissistic people may have ASPD or sociopathy. They will be extremely intelligent and manipulative and will try to provoke a reaction to help their case.
Divorcing a narcissistic person can be a difficult process, and you need a highly skilled Massachusetts divorce attorney who is experienced in dealing narcissists by your side to help you navigate the journey. The divorce may involve contentious child custody negotiations, hidden financial assets, an attempt to damage your reputation and even surveillance of your online or in-person activities. There are times when litigation is inevitable but it may be avoided by smart negotiations that convince the narcissist to back down. Your divorce attorney should be skilled in financially complex divorce, which could involve hidden assets such as offshore funds, crypto-currency, inherited money, trusts and LLCs. In addition, they should be able to handle complex child custody negotiations and court appointed evaluators. If you are struggling with a divorce from someone who is abusive and/or narcissistic it’s important to be highly strategic and prepared. Divorcing a narcissist can be an extremely difficult process that requires planning, foresight and most of all, a supportive team of divorce attorneys that will defend your interests and help you access any additional resources you may need. At Mansur Law Group, our attorneys are highly skilled, compassionate and astute professionals who are adept at representing clients in financially complex divorces that may be contentious. We have helped many clients through divorces with narcissists or people with narcissistic tendencies. Please contact our team of experienced Boston based attorneys to learn more about how we can help you navigate your divorce process and move towards a better future.